JOKES JOKES AND MORE JOKES
 
ANSWERING MACHINE JOKES
 

>>A woman gets on an American bus. The conductor comes over and
>>instead of a cheery "Fares please" he shoots her with a small
>>shotgun.
>>
>>The man is arrested, tried and convicted and sentenced to death
>>by electrocution. The man is led to the electric chair and is
>>asked if he has a final request. The man asks for a banana. The
>>killer is given his banana and the executioner turns on the juice.
>>
>>All are amazed to see the murderer sat calmly eating his banana
>>with 40,000V going through the chair. The executioner turns up
>>the power but to no avail. They are forced to declare an act of
>>God and set the man free.
>>
>>The man returns to his job on the buses and a week later brutally
>>hacks off an old man's head with a chainsaw. He is again convicted
>>and sentenced to death. When sat in the electric chair he again asks
>>for a banana. The executioner, remembering the bloke from last time
>>and being a perfectionist has doubled the current in his machine.
>>He turns on the current and is again amazed to see the killer calmly
>>sat there eating his banana. The bloke is again set free due to an
>>act of God.
>>
>>He goes back to his job on the bus and immediately kills another
>>man. When he turns up in the chair for a third time and asks for a
>>banana the executioner can't contain himself.
>>"Look mate," he says. "What is it with the banana?"
>>"I like bananas," replies the killer
>>"But how does it stop you from being electrocuted?"
>>"Oh it doesn't, I'm just a bad conductor." =




>A is for academics,
>B is for beer.
>One of those reasons is why we're not here.
>So leave a message.
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
>Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the
>money.
>If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid
>institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends,
>you
>owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of
>money.
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>(Narrator's voice:) There Dale sits, reading a magazine. Suddenly the
>telephone rings! The bathroom explodes into a veritable maelstrom of
>toilet paper, with Dale in the middle of it, his arms windmilling at
>incredible
>speeds! Will he make it in time? Alas no, his valiant effort is in
>vain.
>The bell hath sounded. Thou must leave a message.
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>"Hi. Now you say something."
>"Hi, I'm not home right now but my answering machine is, so you can
>talk
>to it instead. Wait for the beep."
>"Hello. I am David's answering machine. What are you?"
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>(From my Japanese friend in Toronto) He-lo! This is Sa-to. If you
>leave
>message, I call you soon. If you leave *sexy* message, I call sooner!
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>"Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator.
>Please
>speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of
>these magnets."
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>"Hello, this is Sally's microwave. Her answering machine just eloped
>with
>her tape deck, so I'm stuck with taking her calls. Say, if you want
>anything cooked while you leave your message, just hold it up to the
>phone.'
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>"Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving
>messages.
>My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets
>are
>clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need
>their
>picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number
>and
>they will get back to you."
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>"This is not an answering machine - this is a telepathic
>thought-recording
>device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for
>calling,
>and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning
>your call."
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>"Hi. I am probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave
>me
>a message, and if I don't call back, it's you."
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>"Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now.
>Leave a
>message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back."
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>"If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our
>weapons
>right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't
>home and it's safe to leave us a message."
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>"You're growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very,
>sleepy now. You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability
>to
>resist suggestions. When you hear the tone you will feel helplessly
>compelled to leave your name, number, and a message."
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>"You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System. Your voice
>patterns
>are now being digitally encoded and stored for later use. Once this is
>done, our computers will be able to use the sound of *your* voice for
>literally thousands of illegal and immoral purposes. There is no
>charge
>for this initial consultation. However our staff of professional
>extortionists
>will contact you in the near future to further explain the benefits of
>our
>service, and to arrange for your schedule of payment. Remember to
>speak
>clearly at the sound of the tone. Thank you."
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent.
>Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right
>now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing
>it up
>and
>down, and I like doing it left to right ... real slowly. So leave a
>message, and when we're done brushing our teeth we'll get back to you.
 
NIXON CLINTON JOKES

Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their
Mercedes with a coat hanger. They tried and tried to get the door open,
but they couldn't.
The girl with the coat hanger stopped for a moment to catch her breath, and
her friend said anxiously, "Hurry up! It's starting to rain and the top is
down."
---------------------
A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having
an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun.
The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful
redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps
out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.
Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"
>-------------------
Hear about the blonde that got an AM radio?
It took her a month to realize she could play it at night.
>-------------------
What happened to the blonde ice hockey team?
They drowned in Spring training.
> --------------------
What did the blonde say when she saw the sign in front of the YMCA?
"Look! they spelled MACYs wrong.
> --------------------
Why do blondes like lightning?
They think someone is taking their picture.
>----------------------
Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence?
To see what was on the other side.
>----------------------
How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?
Tell her a joke on Wednesday.
>----------------------
Why did the blonde stare at frozen orange juice?
Because it said 'concentrate'.

> ========================================
PRESIDENTIAL COMPARISONS OF NIXON & CLINTON:

Nixon: Watergate.
Clinton: Water Bed.

Nixon: His biggest fear: The Cold War.
Clinton: His biggest fear: A cold sore.

Nixon: Carpet bombing.
Clinton: Carpet burns.

Nixon: His Vice President was a Greek.
Clinton: His Vice President is a geek.

Nixon: Couldn't stop Kissinger.
Clinton: Couldn't stop kissing her.

Nixon: Couldn't explain the 18-minute gap in the Watergate tape.
Clinton: Couldn't explain the 36-DD bra in his brief case.

Nixon: His nickname was Tricky Dick.
Clinton: No difference.

Nixon: Ex-President.
Clinton: Sex-President.

Nixon: Known for campaign slogan "Nixon's The One".
Clinton: Know for women pointing at him and saying, "He's the one".

Nixon: Famous for his widow's peak.
Clinton: Famous for bringing widows to their peak.

Nixon: Well acquainted with G. Gordon Liddy.
Clinton: Well acquainted with G Spot.

Nixon: Took on Ho Chi Minh.
Clinton: Took on Ho.

Nixon: Talked about achieving peace with honor.
Clinton: Talked of getting a piece while on her.

> =============================================

A blond woman walks into a store. Curious about a shiny object, she asks
"What is that?"

The store clerk responds, "It's a thermos."

The blond then asks, "What does it do?"

The clerk says "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold." So she buys
one.

The next day, she brings it to work with her. Her boss, also a blond,
asks, "What is that shiny object?"

She replies "It's a thermos."

He asks, "What does it do?"

She says, "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold."

He then asks, "What do you have in there?"

"Two cups of coffee and a popsicle."

------------------
Subject: FW: New Bull
Date: Saturday, April 04, 1998 2:23PM

New Bull

Three bulls heard via the grapevine that the rancher was going to bring yet
another bull onto the ranch, and the prospect raised a discussion among
them.

First Bull: "Boys, we all know I've been here 5 years. Once we settled our
differences, we agreed on which 100 of the cows would be mine. Now, I don't
know where this newcomer is going to get HIS cows, but I ain't giving' him
any of mine."

Second Bull: "That pretty much says it for me, too. I've been here 3 years
and have earned my right to the 50 cows we've agreed are mine. I'll fight
him till I run him off or kill him, but I'M KEEPING ALL MY COWS."

Third Bull: "I've only been here a year, and so far you guys have only let
me have 10 cows to "take care of." I may not be as big as you fellows (yet)
but I am young and virile, so I simply MUST keep all MY cows."

They had just finished their big talk when an eighteen-wheeler pulls up in
the middle of the pasture with only ONE ANIMAL IN IT: the biggest
Son-of-Another-Bull these guys had ever seen! At 4700 pounds, each step he
took toward the ground strained the steel ramp to the breaking point.

First Bull: "Ahem... You know, it's actually been some time since I really
felt I was doing all my cows justice, anyway. I think I can spare a few for
our new friend."

Second Bull: "I'll have plenty of cows to take care of if I just stay on
the opposite end of the pasture from HIM. I'm certainly not looking for an
argument."

They look over at their young friend, the 3rd bull, and find him pawing the
dirt, shaking his horns, and snorting.

First Bull: "Son, let me give you some advice real quick. Let him have some
of your cows and live to tell about it."

Third Bull: "He can have ALL my cows. I'm just making sure he knows I'm a
bull!"
 
WOMENS ENGLISH

> WOMEN'S ENGLISH:
>
> Maybe = No
> I'm sorry = You'll be sorry
> We need = I want
> It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now
> Do what you want = You'll pay for this later
> We need to talk = I need to complain
> Sure... go ahead = I don't want you to
> I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
> You're ... so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot
> You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think
> about?
> Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs
> This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house
> I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and
> wallpaper.....
> Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!
> I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep
> Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive
> How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really not
> going to like.
> I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good
> game on TV
> Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful
> You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me
> Are you listening to me!? = [Too late, you're dead.]
> I'm not yelling! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is
> important
> The answer to "What's wrong?":The same old thing = Nothing
> Nothing = Everything
> Everything = My PMS is acting up
> Nothing, really = It's just that you're such an asshole
> You don't have to get me anything = If you forget, don't bother to
> come home.
>
>
>
> MEN'S ENGLISH:
>
> "I'm hungry." = I'm hungry.
> "I'm sleepy." = I'm sleepy.
> "I'm tired." = I'm tired.
> "Do you want to go to a movie?" = I'd eventually like to have sex
> with you.
> "Can I take you out to dinner?" = I'd eventually like to have sex
> with you.
> "Can I call you sometime?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with
> you.
> "May I have this dance?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
> "Nice dress!" = Nice cleavage!
> "You look tense, let me give you a massage." = I want to fondle you.
> "What's wrong?" = I don't see why you are making such a big deal out
> of this.
> "What's wrong?" = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological
> trauma are
> you going through now?
> "What's wrong?" = I guess sex tonight is out of the question.
> "I'm bored." = Do you want to have sex?
> "I love you." = Let's have sex now.
> "I love you, too." = Okay, I said it...we'd better have sex now!
> "Yes, I like the way you cut your hair." = I liked it better before.
> "Yes, I like the way you cut your hair." = $50 and it doesn't look
> that much different!
> "Let's talk." = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a
> deepperson and
> maybe then you'd like to have sex with me.
> "Will you marry me?" = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex
> with other guys.
> (While shopping) "I like that one better." = Pick any freakin' dress
> and let's go home!
>
Hi Brandon. I think I have quite a few that you might like. See the below:

Well, I hope you enjoy your sleep.

Bye,

Matthew

----------


>> ACTUAL BUMPER STICKERS


"Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine."

"I love cats...they taste just like chicken"

"Out of my mind. Back in five minutes."

"Cover me. I'm changing lanes."

"As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools"

"Happiness is a belt-fed weapon"

"Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot."

"Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let him sleep"

"I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather...not screaming and yelling
like the passengers in his car...."

"Tow-ers will be violated"

"Montana --- At least our cows are sane!"

"Jesus died for my sins and all i got was this lousy t-shirt"

"The gene pool could use a little chlorine."

"I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian."

"Don't blame me, I'm from Uranus."

"Your kid may be an honor student but you're still an IDIOT!"

"It's as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you."

"When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS."

"Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips."

"Friends don't let Friends drive Naked."

"Wink, I'll do the rest!"

"I took an IQ test and the results were negative."

"When there's a will, I want to be in it!"

"Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?"

"If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?"

"Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!"

"It's lonely at the top, but you eat better."

"Reality? That's where the pizza delivery guy comes from!"

"Forget about World Peace.....Visualize Using Your Turn Signal ! "

"Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear."

"Give me ambiguity or give me something else."

"We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse."

"Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot."

"He who laughs last thinks slowest"

"Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else."

"Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math."

"Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies."

"Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes."

"Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy."

"Consciousness: that annoying time between naps."

"i souport publik edekasion"
>>
>>"Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies."
>>
>>"Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes."
>>
>>"Consciousness: that annoying time between naps."
>>
>>"I souport publik edekasion"
>>
>>"We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be
>> Assimilated."
>>
>>"Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home."
>>
>>"3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't."
>>
>>"Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?"
>>
>>"Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?"
>>
>>"2 + 2 = 5 for sufficiently large values of 2."

>> Fun Things to Do in an Elevator
>>
>>1. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to
>> other passengers.
>>
>>2. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering:
>> "Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!"
>>
>>3. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask:
>> "Got enough air in there?"
>>
>>4. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours
>> upside-down.
>>
>>5. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors
>> open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
>>
>>6. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and
>> ask them to call you Admiral.
>>
>>7. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then
>> announce: "I've got new socks on!"
>>
>>8. Give religious tracts to each passenger.
>>
>>9. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
>>
>>10. Frown and mutter "gotta go, gotta go" then sigh and say "oops!"
>>
>>11. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
>>
>>12. Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.
>>
>>13. Burp, and then say "mmmm...tasty!"
>>
>>14. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through"
>> it.
>>
>>15. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "is that your
>> beeper?"
>>
>>16. Lean against the button panel.
>>
>>17. Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons.
>>
>>18. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the
>> other passengers that this is your "personal space."
>>
>>19. Bring a chair along.
>>
>>20. Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: "Wanna see
>> wha in muh mouf?"
>>
>>21. Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.
>>
>>22. Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
>>
>>23. Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at the passengers.
>>
>>24. Start brushing off invisible bugs from your arms, screaming
>> "Aaughh! Get them off!"
>>
>>25. Laugh hysterically for five seconds, stop, and glare at the other
>> passengers like they are crazy.
>>
>>26. As the elevator is going up, jump violently up and down, shouting
>> "Down! I said down, dammit!"
>>
>>27. Crouch in one corner and growl menacingly at everyone who gets
>> on.
>>
>>28. Read a newspaper upside-down.
>>
>>29. Offer each person in the elevation Preparation-H.
>>
>>30. One word: YOGA!

Deep Thoughts

>>1. If you throw a cat out a car window, does it become kitty litter?
>>2. If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?
>>3. When a cow laughs, does milk come up its nose?
>>4. How did a fool and his money GET together?
>>5. How do they get deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
>>6. If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?
>>7. Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injection?
>>8. Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
>>9. How do you know when it's time to tune your bagpipes?
>>10. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste
>funny?
>>11. When you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?
>>12. Do blind Eskimos have seeing eye sled dogs?
>>13. Why is there an expiration date on my sour cream container?
>>14. Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?
>>15. Do radioactive cats have 18 half-lives?
>>14. Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?
>>15. Do radioactive cats have 18 half-lives?
>>16. If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer?
>>17. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
>>18. If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, why do they have locks on the
>door?
>>19. What do they call English muffins in England?

>>THE IDIOT TEST
>>
>>Scoring guide:
>>
>>20 Correct - Genius
>>17 Correct - Above Normal
>>15 Correct - Normal
>>8 Correct - Nincompoop
>>6 Correct - Moron
>>3 Correct - Idiot
>>
>>
>>****************** Questions ****************
>>
>>1. Do they have a 4th of July in England?
>>
>>2. How many birthdays does the average man have?
>>
>>3. Some months have 31 days; how many have 28?
>>
>>4. A woman gives a beggar 50 cents; the woman is the beggar's
>> sister, but the beggar is not the woman's brother. How come?
>>
>>5. Why can't a man living in the USA be buried in Canada?
>>
>>6. How many outs are there in an inning?
>>
>>7. Is it legal for a man in California to marry his widow's
>> sister? Why?
>>
>>8. Two men play five games of checkers. Each man wins the same
>> number of games. There are no ties. Explain this.
>>
>>9. Divide 30 by 1/2 and add 10. What is the answer?
>>
>>10. A man builds a house rectangular in shape. All sides have
>> southern exposure. A big bear walks by, what color is the
>> bear? Why?
>>
>>11. If there are 3 apples and you take away 2, how many do you
>> have?
>>
>>12. I have two US coins totaling 55 cents. One is not a
>> nickel. What are the coins?
>>
>>13. If you have only one match and you walked into a room where
>> there was an oil burner, a kerosene lamp, and a wood burning
>stove,
>> which one would you light first?
>>
>>14. How far can a dog run into the woods?
>>
>>15. A doctor gives you three pills telling you to take one every
>> half hour. How long would the pills last?
>>
>>16. A farmer has 17 sheep, and all but 9 die. How many are left?
>>
>>17. How many animals of each sex did Moses take on the ark?
>>
>>18. A clerk in the butcher shop is 5' 10'' tall. What does he
>> weigh?
>>
>>19. How many two cent stamps are there in a dozen?
>>
>>20. What was the President's name in 1950?
>>
>>****************** Answers ****************
>>1. Yes
>>2. One
>>3. All of them (12)
>>4. The beggar is her sister.
>>5. He can't be buried if he isn't dead.
>>6. 6
>>7. No - because he is dead.
>>8. They aren't playing each other.
>>9. 70
>>10. White. The house is at the North Pole so it is a polar bear.
>>11. 2
>>12. 50 cent piece and a nickel. (The other one is a nickel)
>>13. The match.
>>14. Half way. Then he is running out of the woods.
>>15. 1 Hour
>>16. 9
>>17. None - Noah took them on the ark.
>>18. Meat
>>19. 12
>>20. Same as it is now.

--------

Update your Dictionary

>>CARPERPETUATION (kar' pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming,
of
>>running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching
>>over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the
>>vacuum one more chance.
>>
>>DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v. To sterilize the piece of candy you dropped
>>on the floor by blowing on it, somehow assuming this will "remove" all the
>>germs.
>>
>>ECNALUBMA (ek na lub' ma) n. A rescue vehicle which can only be seen in
>>the rearview mirror.
>>
>>EIFFELITES (eye' ful eyetz) n. Gangly people sitting in front of you at
>>the movies who, no matter what direction you lean, follow suit.
>>
>>ELBONICS (el bon' iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one
>>armrest at a movie theater.
>>
>>ELECELLERATION (el a cel er ay' shun) n. The mistaken notion that the
more
>>you press an elevator button the faster it will arrive.
>>
>>FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto
>>the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally
>>decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.
>>
>>LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man gyu lay' shun) n. Manhandling the
"open
>>here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the
>>"illegal" side.
>>
>>PEPPIER (pehp ee ay') n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole
>>purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want ground pepper.
>>
>>PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and
>>forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.
>>
>>PUPKUS (pup' kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog
>>presses its nose to it.
>>
>>TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n. The act of always letting
>>the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only
>>six inches away.


>In the beginning, God created the bit. And the bit was a zero.
>
>On the first day, he toggled the 0 to 1, and the Universe was.
>(In those days, bootstrap loaders were simple, and
>"active low" signals didn't yet exist.)
>
>On the second day, God's boss wanted a demo, and tried to read
>the bit. This being volatile memory, the bit reverted to a 0. And the
>universe wasn't. God learned the importance of backups and memory
>refresh, and spent the rest of the day (and his first all-nighter)
>reinstalling the universe.
>
>On the third day, the bit cried "Oh, Lord! If you exist, give me a
>sign!" And God created rev 2.0 of the bit, even better than the
>original prototype. Those in Universe Marketing immediately
>realized that "new and improved" wouldn't do justice to such a grand
>and glorious creation. And so it was dubbed the Most Significant Bit.
>Many bits followed, but only one was so honored.
>
>On the fourth day, God created a simple ALU with 'add' and 'logical
>shift' instructions. And the original bit discovered that -- by
>performing a single shift instruction -- it could become the Most
>Significant Bit. And God realized the importance of computer security.
>
>On the fifth day, God created the first mid-life kicker, rev 2.0 of
>the ALU, with wonderful features, and said "Forget that add and shift
>stuff. Go forth and multiply." And God saw that it was good.
>
>On the sixth day, God got a bit overconfident, and invented pipelines,
>register hazards, optimizing compilers, crosstalk, restartable
>instructions, microinterrupts, race conditions, and propagation
>delays. Historians have used this to convincingly argue that the
>sixth day must have been a Monday.
>
>On the seventh day, an engineering change introduced Windows into
>the Universe, and it hasn't worked right since.


---------------


If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill themselves, is
it considered a hostage situation?

Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they
still grow? Only to become troubled and insecure?

Is there another word for synonym?

Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?

When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their picket
signs?

When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown
away?

Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

Why do they report power outages on TV?

What do you do when you see an endangered animal that is eating an
endangered plant?

Is it possible to be totally partial?

What's another word for thesaurus?

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will
clean them?

Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?

If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their
headlights off?

If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?

Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?

If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain
silent?

Why is the word abbreviation so long?

When companies ship styrofoam, what do they pack it in?

-------------
>-----
>MODERN PHILOSOPHIES
>
>If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
>
>A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
>
>Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
>
>For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
>
>He who hesitates is probably right.
>
>Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
>
>No one is listening until you make a mistake.
>
>Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
>
>The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
>
>The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
>
>To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
>
>To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
>
>Two wrongs are only the beginning.
>
>Work is accomplished by those employees who have not reached their level of
>incompetence.
>
>You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. (The corollary
>is: You never learn to pray until your kids learn to drive!)
>
>The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
>
>Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
>
>The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

----------------------------

>101 Ways To Be Annoying
>
>1. Sing the Batman theme incessantly.
>
>2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual
massage."
>
>3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
>
>4. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in
public
>consisting
>entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeeep Bip..."
>
>5. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen
while
>talking to others.
>
>6. Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to
your TV and
>then pointing it at the screen.
>
>7. Speak only in a "robot" voice.
>
>8. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.
>
>9. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and
announce
>that
>this is so no one will "swipe your grub."
>
>10. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17
inch paper,
>99
>copies.
>
>11. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
>
>12. Sniffle incessantly.
>
>13. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.
>
>14. Name your dog "Dog."
>
>15. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all
weather
>conditions "to keep them tuned up."
>
>16. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU
think."
>
>17. Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of
your
>"astronaut training."
>
>18. Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your
neighbors
>upstairs for "violating your airspace."
>
>19. Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it
was a
>"real hoot."
>
>20. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they
touch with
>a
>can of Lysol.
>
>21. Practice making fax and modem noises.
>
>22. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc:"
them to
>your boss.
>
>23. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
>
>24. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if
people
>play
>along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.
>
>25. Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell
the
>neighbors you are a "spider person."
>
>26. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with
prophesy."
>
>27. Wear a special hip holster for your remote control.
>
>28. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences,
producing
>awkward
>silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any
moment.
>
>29. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands
over your
>ears.
>
>30. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge
across
>the
>room.
>
>31. Give a play-by-play account of a person's every action in a
nasal
>Howard
>Cosell voice.
>
>32. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
>
>33. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green,
and insist
>to others that you "like it that way."
>
>34. Drum on every available surface.
>
>35. Staple papers in the middle of the page.
>
>36. Ask 1-800 operators for dates.
>
>37. Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI
copyright
>warnings.
>
>38. Sew anti-theft detector strips into people's backpacks.
>
>39. Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.
>
>40. Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.
>
>41. Set alarms for random times.
>
>42. Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.
>
>43. Instead of Gallo, serve Night Train next Thanksgiving.
>
>44. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a
"croaking" noise.
>
>45. Honk and wave to strangers.
>
>46. Dress only in clothes colored Hunter's Orange.
>
>47. Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.
>
>48. Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts
of rental
>movies.
>
>49. Wear your pants backwards.
>
>50. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their
>complimentary
>mints by the cash register.
>
>51. Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!"
>
>52. ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.
>
>53. only type in lowercase.
>
>54. dont use any punctuation either
>
>55. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole
streets.
>
>56. Pay for your dinner with pennies.
>
>57. Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.
>
>58. Repeat everything someone says, as a question.
>
>59. Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of
someone's
>roadmaps.
>
>60. Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy
assassination/UFO/
>O.J.
>Simpson conspiracy theories.
>
>61. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you
hear that?"
>"What?" "Never mind, it's gone now."
>
>62. Light road flares on a birthday cake.
>
>63. Wander around a restaurant, asking other diners for their
parsley.
>
>64. Leave tips in Bolivian currency.
>
>65. Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador."
>
>66. At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.
>
>67. When Christmas caroling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman smells"
until
>physically restrained.
>
>68. Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One."
>
>69. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
>
>70. Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.
>
>71. Pretend your computer's mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.
>
>72. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the
bottom of your
>chin. When nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it up," and
repeat.
>
>73. Drive half a block.
>
>74. Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.
>
>75. Ask people what gender they are.
>
>76. Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts
back
>in
>the tray.
>
>77. Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a
Southern drawl.
>
>78. Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the
curious that
>you
>don't want to fall off "in case the big one comes."
>
>79. Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in
co-workers' brains,
>such as "Feliz Navidad," the Archies' "Sugar" or the Mr. Rogers
theme song.
>
>80. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like
a parakeet.
>
>81. Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.
>
>82. Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.
>
>83. Change your name to "John Aaaaasmith" for the great glory
of being
>first
>in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that
people
>pronounce each "a."
>
>84. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to
see if
>they slow down.
>
>85. Chew on pens that you've borrowed.
>
>86. Wear a LOT of cologne.
>
>87. Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster
speed is
>necessary because of your "superior mental processing."
>
>88. Sing along at the opera.
>
>89. Mow your lawn with scissors.
>
>90. At a golf tournament, chant
"swing-batabatabata-suhWING-batter!"
>
>91. Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend."
>
>92. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.
>
>93. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and then scribble
their
>answers
>in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles."
>
>94. Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a "magic
picture."
>
>95. Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.
>
>96. Never make eye contact.
>
>97. Never break eye contact.
>
>98. Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn.
>
>99. Construct your own pretend "tricorder," and "scan" people
with it,
>announcing the results.
>
>100. Make appointments for the 31st of September.
>
>101. Invite lots of people to other people's parties.

-------------------------------

http://www.teleport.com/~rcraig/astronut/seusstrek/index.shtml

SeussTrek

http://www.teleport.com/~rcraig/astronut/seusstrek/gilliganvoy.htm
l

Voyager to the Tune of Gillagin's Island --- Very Humerous!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


The World According to Student Bloopers

Richard Lederer
St. Paul's School
One of the fringe benefits of being an English or History teacher is
receiving the occasional jewel of a student blooper in an essay. I
have pasted together the following "history" of the world from
certifiably genuine student bloopers collected by teachers
throughout the United States, from eight grade through college
level. Read carefully, and you will learn a lot.
The inhabitants of Egypt were called mummies. They lived in the
Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is
such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere, so certain areas of
the dessert are cul- tivated by irritation. The Egyptians built the
Pyramids in the shape of a huge triangular cube. The Pramids are a
range of mountains between France and Spain.

The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the
Bible, Guinesses, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.
One of their children, Cain, asked "Am I my brother's son?" God
asked Abraham to sacrifice Issac on Mount Montezuma. Jacob,
son of Issac, stole his brother's birthmark. Jacob was a partiarch
who brought up his twelve sons to be partiarchs, but they did not
take to it. One of Jacob's sons, Joseph, gave refuse to the Israelites

Pharaoh forced the Hebrew slaves to make bread without straw.
Moses led them to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened
bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Afterwards,
Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments.
David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fougth
with the Philatelists, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.
Solomon, one of David's sons, had 500 wives and 500 porcupines.

Without the Greeks, we wouldn't have history. The Greeks
invented three kinds of columns - Corinthian, Doric and Ironic.
They also had myths. A myth is a female moth. One myth says that
the mother of Achilles dipped him in the River Stynx until he
became intolerable. Achilles appears in "The Illiad", by Homer.
Homer also wrote the "Oddity", in which Penelope was the last
hardship that Ulysses endured on his journey. Actually, Homer was
not written by Homer but by another man of that name.

Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving
people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of
wedlock.

In the Olympic Games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the
biscuits, and threw the java. The reward to the victor was a coral
wreath. The government of Athen was democratic because the
people took the law into their own hands. There were no wars in
Greece, as the mountains were so high that they couldn't climb
ove
 
Favourite links
 


Email me on:
[email protected]

This page has been visited times.